just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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