Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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