Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
