i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
