Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
