when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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