Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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