she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
