i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
