You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
