I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
