girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
