i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
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I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
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did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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