i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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