I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
