Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
