i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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