John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize