YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sarcasm needs its own font
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
