there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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