you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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