There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
