Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
