forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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