Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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