I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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