i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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