I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
