I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
