Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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