I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
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