He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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