Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
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You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
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Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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