3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
