he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
