A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
