I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
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everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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