today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
