You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE