i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake