I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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