the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
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It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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