I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
