You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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