Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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