At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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