and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
