Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
