Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
