Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
