just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
