How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
