so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have aggressive nipples.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
