just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
