the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
