Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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