Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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