Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
