As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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